This is the most frequently asked question I receive on tumblr and one of the most alarming. You’re new to BDSM and only 18 so one would have to assume you’re a novice with little or no experience (or you would know the answer to the question already).
I could respond with “try fetlife or collar me”, but one would, again, have to assume you have no idea what they are?
Let me ask you some questions? What is SSC v RACK? What are your hard limits? What are your guidelines with regards to a scene? Whats the difference between humiliation, depersonalization and degradation? Have you used a vampire glove before? Tell me about your realistic expectations you need from a Dominant and the relationship? How do you know if a Dom is the right Dom for you? What are the ‘red flag’ warnings of a fake/predator Dom? Are you a switch? Does ‘shibari’ interest you? Have you used a ‘sybian’ in the past? Are there any local munches you could attend? Do you know what ‘BDSM’ means? How do you personally identify as a submissive? Define your protocols regarding discipline and behaviour correction.
BDSM is a lifestyle that needs to be understood and learned. Any novice who identifies as submissive should begin to read, read and read some more and see what appeals to you and what interests you. Learn about all aspects and flavors of kink, fetish and the D/s lifestyle. How can you set limits, protocol or know what you want from D/s if you don’t know what you’re entering into?
I recommend all new submissives to read through this:
The novice submissive (Original source: bdsmdebunkingthemyths.com)
There’s a collection of resourses HERE with many essays. etc and I’ll provide some useful links for you to start with:
D/s help and info for newbies (Source: wizdomme.com)
BDSM Safety (Source: bdsmcaffe.com)
BDSM general guidelines (Source: missdi.co.za)
How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)
Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)
Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)
Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)
What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)
What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)
Qualities of a successful Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)
10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)
Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)
Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)
There are many more essays and help/advice links to be found:
BDSM Help & Advice
BDSM Links & Resources
Library For Kinksters (Source: dominantlife.tumblr.com)
Please take the time to read through these and educate yourself before entering into a relationship. Knowledge with help keep you safe, give you confidence and BDSM will be less intimidating. You’ll have all the answers you need.
There are also a selection of books on BDSM:
BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer
Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera
Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison
Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison
Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs
Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel
Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel
Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel
Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel
Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon
SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
The Control Book by Peter Masters
The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino
This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters
Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker
There’s an essay I recently wrote with information/help on finding a D/s partner below, but I would urge you to be patient and wait until you have the confidence, knowledge and understanding behind you before you begin your search
Searching for a D/s partner
For ALL novice submissive, please… do the study before taking the test. For your own safety and wellbeing. I recieve too many messages from inexperienced subs who are taken advantage of and abused by unscrupulous ‘so-called’ dominants. Stay safe.
Don’t be overwhelmed. There is of course a large amount of info on the scene, but most of it can be summed up in using common sense.
For those who just want a little rough sex from their partner, to use a blindfold sometimes, or want to be pinned up against a wall, don’t stress just confess.
One final thing, if your 18 and looking for a partner, it doesn’t have to be a Dom. It could be some cute person you already know. Get to know them and bring up kinks in conversation. you may be able to explore and grow together.